Anheuser Busch is a mess right now. The company is in complete shambles. Not only have they lost more than $800 million in a single day, but they’re also stuck with a million unusable trans cans, a marketing department full of empty desks, and no path back into the hearts and minds of Americans.

They screwed up. But is it true? Is Budweiser no longer the “King of Beers?” According to our fact-finding department, yes. it’s 100 percent TRUE!

Even though “true” may mean different things to different people, we’re going to assume that those reading our piece are definitely on the side of this truth. That being the case, nothing could be further from the truth, unless it was demonstrably false.

Either way, they truth of the situation is the falsity of all the other stories about Bud Light which may or may not have been verified by independent sources. It’s in this way that we conform to the highest standards when searching for the truth our readership is looking for.

In this case, that truth is as true as it needs to be, which may or may not make certain aspects or possibly the entirety of the article a complete work of fiction. Considering that, we have to rate the story true until someone else such as the Associated Press or Newsweek comes along and does it for us.

Trust what you believe, patriots. God Bless America.